you know who you are

I’ve been struggling lately, and knowing what I should be doing was making my not doing it feel even worse. It felt like I was in a hole and instead of working to get out, I was just making the hole deeper. And the deeper I got, the easier it was to focus on the walls of the hole instead of the sky above. I recognize that the sky is where I need to focus, that the hole is not where I should be. I also realize that I have allowed the voices of people around me to define my expectations for myself.

But last night, I heard that little whisper in my heart that I have come to recognize as the Holy Spirit. She reminded me that I am a child of God, and that I need to hold that identity as my foundation. When I stand on that foundation, I can change my focus, I can more easily ignore the judgement of those who have made me feel less than. In my heart I heard “this isn’t who are – you know who you are” (and yes it was in Moana’s voice, thank you Disney!), and I woke up this morning with that in my mind. I know in my heart that I am working to follow God’s call, and that is where I need to focus. When I look inside myself, I do know who I am and my intention is keep that identity as my focus. Because when I do, the walls of that hole recede, the sky becomes clearer, and those voices that judge me and seek to drag me down fade away.

So now, I move into this day, this year, with the knowledge of who I am, a strong foundation to stand on, and a renewed desire to follow my call. I hope to meet you here more regularly, so that we can continue to explore our faith and what it means in our lives; and to finally be brave enough to take the steps I need to see my book published.

And yes, I will keep that (Disney) song in my heart, to remind me that I do know who I am.

(If you have the opportunity, I encourage you to watch Disney’s Moana. It is a beautiful reminder to not let the voices
and actions of those around you define you, the importance of trusting yourself and who you know yourself to be.)

listen

I have so many ideas floating through my mind, words searching for a way to be expressed. Things like imagination, coming home, imperfections, following – things you may see here in the future.

But today, it’s a friend’s comment about my willingness to listen to the nudges from the Holy Spirit that is at the forefront. As I sat with those words, I realized that I try my best to place that listening at the core of all I do. “Try” being the operative word here, because I know there are times that I definitely hear or feel the nudge and then choose not to act on it. But I am getting better. I am praying more, crocheting more, writing more, all prompted by those nudges. And I realized that taking the time to listen is part of all the other ideas floating around in my mind. So I decided to take that time now to listen to what the Spirit is telling me – about listening.

I write a faith study for my church, based on hymns and current Christian music, which is posted on our website, and recently I heard that this study spoke to someone over 1000 miles away and that he would like to use it for an adult Sunday School class he leads. The concept of the study itself and the 50+ songs I’ve worked on are all based on taking the time to listen. It’s the nudges from the Holy Spirit that got me started, that direct me to which songs to use, which Bible verses to reference, and what questions to ask. I know I couldn’t do this on my own.

The piece I’m currently working on is a perfect example. Looking through the hymnals for which song to work with, I was drawn to a hymn about personal healing. I attributed the pull I felt to the work God and I are doing on my personal healing. So I continued looking, and found one on social justice, which spoke to me, because social justice is an area I’ve been called to grow into. I decided to go with the social justice hymn because it felt like it had a wider appeal with everything going on in the world today, and started looking for Bible verses to connect to where the hymn seemed to be calling me. Two hours later, with no appropriate verses, I stopped. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to use this hymn. Maybe it was my personal feelings rather that the Holy Spirit that made me pick that hymn. I looked at the other hymn again and recognized the universality of the message of the song. So I started looking for Bible verses for that hymn, and within 3 hours I had all I needed and the beginnings of the questions for the various verses. Apparently, I had unintentionally dismissed a nudge. What a difference listening to the Holy Spirit made!

When I listen, things go more smoothly, I feel more motivated to continue the task, I’m less frustrated. Sometimes the listening even requires me to pause a task or call from the Holy Spirit to make sure I’m continuing on the correct path, or if another task needs to take precedence. Recently, I was working on a prayer shawl for a friend as she works through a long-term situation. But in the middle of that I got the nudge to make one for someone else as she prepared for a major change in her life that was about to take place. Part of me hesitated to put the one aside for the other, but I listened. I completed the intervening prayer shawl just in time, and then went back to the first one. Once I completed it, I sent it out. And that friend called me to tell me that the prayer shawl arrived at just the moment she needed it. I explained what had occurred with the other nudge, and my friend told me that if her prayer shawl had arrived a week prior, she would have loved it and used it just the same, but it might not have made such an impact on her. She explained that because I took the time to make the other prayer shawl in the middle, her prayer shawl arrived the day she heard some very hard news and needed that expression of God’s love even more.

I am so grateful to be a part of the work the Holy Spirit is doing. Whether it is writing words to help others see and accept God’s love and grace, or exploring a new social justice ministry, or sharing prayers and concern and care one stitch at a time, I am blessed when I take the time to listen on this journey called life.

restrictions

I’ve been thinking about restrictions lately. You know, the limits we place on ourselves, the boundaries we think we can’t or shouldn’t cross, the way we stop ourselves…

I’ve been looking at myself, and trying figure out where I need to make changes so I can fully live the life and gifts God has given me. What do I steps do I need to take? what do I need to add to my daily practices? what do I need to remove?

I’ve been doing this for quite a few years. Not really New Year’s resolutions, more birthday reflections. Since my birthday is around the holidays, that’s when I take the time to look at the past year, give thanks that God has brought me through and blessed me with another year to keep trying, and then try to figure out what I want to do with that year.

Sometimes I do well in my plans and sometimes not. This year, I realized that too often I place limits on my dreams for my new year. Sharing words and ideas with others, like I do here, is certainly one of my dreams. I don’t always write when the Holy Spirit calls to me with words, but each year I’m getting better at following through and actually sitting down to write, even if it means getting up early, like today. But what about going beyond here and faith stirrings’ Facebook page? What about the poems God gives me? The stories? I tell myself I can’t do anything with them – I don’t have the reach, the artistic ability, the name recognition, the connections, the words other people want to hear.

That’s when it hit me. The restrictions I feel? They’re coming from me. God isn’t placing those limits, I am. God isn’t keeping the words inside me, I am. I learned long ago (though I seem to keep forgetting!) that I don’t sit down to write what others want to hear, I sit down to write what God needs me to say. And I learned a short while back that I can’t concern myself with likes or followers. It’s my ego that seeks that validation. Those external things shouldn’t be the reason I send my words out into the world, and they shouldn’t keep me from putting my words out there. But that’s a hard one for me. The fear of rejection looms large in my heart and mind. I know God loves me and excepts me, faults and quirks and all. And that should be enough, but sometimes my mind forgets that, and I wish for a greater reach with these words. And I let the limits I feel because of that perceived lack stop me from doing more.

I have to be honest here, the artistic ability part? That’s not totally a “my limit”. The extent of my drawing ability is to make sure both legs on my stick figures reach the ground. So the dreams I have for children’s books about my small friend JC Lamb, those may need some outside help. Yet, I wonder if I could do something with water colors. I went so far as to buy some water colors to experiment, but I haven’t allowed myself to try. What if I’m terrible at it?

The fear of failure that I have is a close second to the fear of rejection. And as I write these words, God is helping me see that those are the source of the restrictions I place on myself. They certainly don’t come from God. God wants me, wants you, to live in God’s embrace of love and acceptance. That is what allows us to move forward, to try new things. There is no rejection in God.

What about you? What restrictions have you placed on your life? Are you willing to step back and look at them, to work on moving past them? Are you willing to try something new? I’m ready to try my watercolors. It may not work out the way plan, but who knows, it may be even better. I don’t know what your watercolors are, but I’m extending an invitation to you. Will you join me in trying your watercolors?