walking

I recently rediscovered a bracelet that I received quite a few years back. I say re-discovered, because I intentionally leave it in a visible place so that it’s easily accessible when God nudges me to look at these things. I pulled it out about a week ago, and felt that nudge to start wearing it, and since I’m working to follow these Holy Spirit calls, I put the bracelet on. It’s a simple soft plastic loop that says “Walking With Jesus”. At the time I wasn’t sure why these words were important, but I’ve learned over the years that reasons will become clear as they are needed.

In these situations, I spend time with the words God gives me. But what about the message on the bracelet? I try to walk in faith in all my daily activities – though if I’m honest I’m not always as successful as I would like – so I like the phrase. As I continued sitting with the words, I began thinking about the people I’ve been working with over the past several months in preparation for a faith retreat that’s coming up. These amazing people have shared the stories of their personal walk with Jesus. I am humbled by the faith they have, and obviously rely on, as they walk through challenges in their personal lives, their families, their jobs, the world around them.

And then, I needed to prepare a Children’s Message for Worship last week. The focus of Worship that morning was the story in Luke where Jesus appears to two of His followers on the road to a village called Emmaus. If you’re not familiar with the story, two of Jesus’ followers were walking along discussing the death of Jesus and the rumors of His Resurrection when a stranger joins them and in the course of their walk explains everything about the life of Jesus. It wasn’t until the stranger joins them for the evening meal that the two followers recognize that the stranger is actually the risen Jesus Christ. For the Children’s Message, I focused on the gift that Jesus Christ gave those two followers – walking with them in their pain and bewilderment. And I reminded the children of two important things: first that even if we don’t recognize Him, Christ meets each of us in our hard times and walks with us; and second that sometimes Christ looks like their parents, their teachers, grandparents, siblings, and even like them, because we all have Christ within us and can walk with others in their hard times. They seemed a bit surprised at that idea, but as I looked in their eyes, I could see the spark of Christ and I know that a seed was planted. I don’t know when or how it will bloom, and that’s ok. I was only called to plant a seed, and I’m so glad Jesus was walking with me that morning as I shared with the children.

The phrase “What Would Jesus Do” has been around for a long time, and while I think considering how Jesus would act in situations we face is a good first step, I think we can take it a step further and decide to walk with Jesus, to visualize Him in our situations, to invite Him to walk beside us in our pain and bewilderment just as He did all those years ago with those two followers on the road to Emmaus.

I see that in the stories members of our retreat Team have shared. I see them seeking His wisdom and reassurance, and I see the footsteps of Jesus walking with them, often in the shape of the feet of family, or co-workers, or friends, and even in the other members of our Team.  What powerful gifts Christ Jesus has given us – to know that He is walking with us and to be able to walk with others as Christ’s representative.

The footsteps of those who walk with us in that role may look like a hug, a prayer, a listening ear. They may be in shared tears and shared laughter, in words of support and encouragement as well as in moments of silence.  God knows the best way we can do that for those we walk with; what seeds we can plant or how we might best water the seeds others have planted or how to nurture the tender shoots of growing faith and recognition of Christ’s presence.

I’ve been trying diligently for the last few days not to write this, and I take that as a sure sign I needed to do it. I’m glad I did. Because, as God so often does, in the writing, the sharing, God has shown me what I needed to see. The beauty of being a part of this retreat Team, the recognition of Christ’s footsteps in the lives on these faith-full women and men, and a deeper connection to Christ’s footsteps in my own life.

Would you take some time to look for Christ walking beside you? For the times He has met you in your pain and bewilderment? He may have looked like family, or co-workers, or friends, but I promise you, His footsteps are there…

jumbled

Ever had one of those strange half-awake dreams that feel so real but make no sense? Even in the process you know something isn’t right, but your brain feels trapped in the circle of the dream. I had one of those this morning, and as I was waking up, my brain was jumbled and I felt disconnected from my environment. But even in that moment, I recognized a baseline comfort because I knew that God was with me. And as I tried to figure out what the dream might mean (don’t they say all dreams have meaning?) I realized that even in the most bizarre scenes, my dream-self knew I was not alone.

That got me thinking about my waking life. (Because there is some bizarre stuff going on these days isn’t there?) In my brain, and my heart, I know that God is always with me, but does that knowledge cross over into my practical every day living? Are there things I’m doing to support how that presence manifests in my life? And equally important, are there things I’m doing to suppress that expression of God in my life?

And as much as I’d like to say I have amazing fully-formed answers to these questions, I don’t. But I think that’s the whole point of this journey God has called me to take – to recognize those times and places in my life where I am doing things the way God asks me to, and those times and places I’m throwing up roadblocks to the work of the Holy Spirit in and through me.

I definitely have partial answers – examples that show that each of these are happening in my life right now. And how I’m feeling about myself when the questions are asked will influence those partial answers. If I’m doubting myself, my abilities, my value in the world, I can give you an exhaustive list of all my faults and failings. But when I’m feeling connected to the Holy Spirit and Her work in my life, I don’t jump right to the negative. I can, and do, take the time to look for the good I do, for those places where I allow, and even actively participate, in Her work. Taking this journey of healing in the first place is one of the major places. Writing as I do, to share the process and perhaps help someone else open their heart and mind to God’s presence in their life is another.

This feels like an important juncture on my journey, though I’m not quite sure why. I think that the weird dream doesn’t really have a meaning, but it does have a purpose – to cause me to stop and examine these questions. To recognize and accept responsibility for those times I do interfere with the work of the Holy Spirit. I can’t learn and grow if I’m unwilling to see and acknowledge my mistakes. But I think even more importantly, it’s to help me accept and celebrate the fact that I can do kind things, that I actually do allow the Spirit to work in and through me. This is the rich soil that will allow my faith, allow me, to grow and flourish in God’s presence.

So, from jumbled to certain is pretty good progress on my journey. Certain that I am not alone, certain that I am loved, certain that I have a place in God’s great story, certain that I am (at least most days) a conduit for the love and grace God offers all of us every moment of every day of our lives. But equally certain that I still have work to do; work on my attitude, work on my consistency, work on my trust.

And you know what? that’s ok. I know I’m not perfect, but the blessing is that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. God expects me to love – to love my neighbor and to love myself. And that means accepting the good and not-so-good parts of all of us, and knowing that we all can grow to be more. More loving, more giving, more forgiving – more like Christ Jesus.

I have always known that this is the ultimate destination on this journey of healing I am on, but by taking the time to figure out what that bizarre dream meant to me and for me has helped me feel a bit clearer about the path. I know there will be more circles and switchbacks, more side roads and even roadblocks. But out of this morning’s jumbled state of mind, comes the deep reassurance that I am not alone. Jesus has walked a similar path and so understands exactly what I am going through. The Holy Spirit is walking right with me, guiding my steps and my perceptions. And, you and I are walking together. Just as our lives are different, our paths are different; but on this journey of seeking and finding, learning and applying, we are together and can support each other. And that is a blessing indeed!

a letter

Some people talk about writing a letter to your younger self, to offer support and encouragement, perhaps some insights, and to help your younger self realize that they can make it through whatever it is they’re facing. I’ve been thinking about that idea lately, and I’ve come to realize that even if I could do something like that, it probably wouldn’t have changed anything. When I was younger, I was a control freak; my view of things in that moment was all that mattered. Thinking this far into the future was totally beyond my abilities at the time. All I could deal with was this moment. I felt if I could control this one moment, then nothing bad would happen to me or my family.

Spoiler alert! The concept of controlling anything outside ourselves is simply an illusion. Situational control is something we think we exercise as we go through life. Looking back – from these “wise” old years and as a recovering control freak – I recognize the irony in that. While I thought I was in control of my life, some things were spinning wildly out of control.  

But that’s not what I want to focus on today. Today I’m thinking about a letter I might write to my older self, and in the process offer today’s me some encouragement and support. My thought is, by looking at things from outside the box of today – or this week, month, or even this year – I can help myself over what feel like stumbling blocks on this journey of healing and wholeness I am on.

The first thing I’d remind my older self is that as a recovering control freak, being conscious of the times I try to take back control of the process is vital. These efforts are a waste of God’s time and grace, and do nothing to help me long the way. But recovery is hard, and relapses happen no matter what our addiction. I’d tell myself that the most important thing is to remember that God has called me on this journey. It is not something I initiated; it is all God-gifted, so remeber God’s got me.

 Secondly, I’d remind my older self that I am not wandering around on my own, breaking new ground along an unknown path. This is a path I know Jesus walked, as have many others before me. I don’t need to be afraid; I simply need to trust.

Finally, I’d say that as Jesus promised the disciples, and each and every one of us, the Holy Spirit is here to help guide me along the way. I don’t need to know the exact path, I simply need to follow the Holy Spirit’s lead. Refusing to follow that guidance, either by choosing to move along my own path or by refusing to move at all, is a great temptation. It’s a ghost of that feeling of control. But that feeling is false.

It took me too long to finally accept that I was worthy of the sacrifice that Jesus made. My efforts at control kept me locked into a certain way of seeing things – especially myself – and this kept me from seeing this vital truth. When I accepted Jesus as my Savior, I handed my life back to God and I promised to give up those efforts at control. I need to restate that promise every day, even multiple times a day!

This is what I would write to my older self, the importance of staying in touch with God and open to the movement of the Holy Spirit. And imagine – breathing is a simple way to do it!

The easiest way I have found to do this is a bit of a guided meditation/breath prayer hybrid. I share it with you here in the hopes it might help you along the path God is calling you to follow. It’s simple, it’s easy, and if you can truly allow yourself to be open to God’s call it can be transformative. I started doing this as a way to unwind and prepare myself for sleep, and then I began to do it in the morning as a way to connect to God before I get out of bed and start my day. But I’ve learned it can be helpful at any time of day, especially when I find myself trying to take control back from God.

The most effective way to do this is to pair the words with your breathing. Breathing in to a count of 2 or 3, and breathing out to a count of 4 or 6, even without any words is powerful. Our bodies are designed that our heart rate slows when we exhale, and breathing out for twice as long as we breathe in relaxes the body, so focus on exhaling completely. After simply breathing this way once or twice to center yourself, add the words to get the maximum benefit. The words can also be adapted to reflect any situation you find yourself in, these are simply the words that I start with.

Breathe in God… breathe out fear.

Breathe in Jesus… breathe out self-importance.

Breathe in the Holy Spirit… breathe out self-direction.

My prayer is that this process, these words, might help you, whatever way you choose to use them…

in or out

The last few days I’ve been doing camp drop-off, and my route takes me past a house with a very large statue of the virgin Mary in one of the windows. When I say large, I mean if fills almost the entire bay window. But what got me thinking was not the size of the statue, or even that it’s there, but the fact that the statue is facing outward. And while that is a very obvious statement of their belief system, it got me thinking about how people, including me, show our faith in God. (Important disclaimer – this is not a criticism of the owner of that home and statue. This is not any kind of commentary on their choices, or on anyone else’s choices. This is about my choices, my decisions about living out my faith. Second disclaimer – in reality my first thought about the placement is that the people inside the house have only the statue’s backside to look at.)

But in all seriousness, to me the placement of the statue is a choice that makes a statement to the outside world about what the owners believe. I make similar choices when I pull my necklace out from under my shirt so that people can see my cross, and when I close my emails and letters ‘God bless’. I want people to know that my faith is important to me. But it’s what’s behind those things (sorry, unintended pun there!) that really matters. If I am not intentional about asking God to bless the people I’m writing to, if I’m unwilling to live in a way that honors the sacrifices Jesus made on the cross, then what I’m doing is just empty symbolism.

My faith is an integral part of who I am. It fills my life like that statue fills the window it sits in. Every day, sometimes every hour or even every minute, I have to decide if my statue will face in or out. If I will see my faith, work to strengthen my faith, live out of my faith. For me, if my statue is facing inward, then I can see when and where I need to make changes, I can more easily recognize the times the Holy Spirit nudges me to do or say something, I can more easily act on my faith. If my statue is facing outward, then the world can certainly see indications of my faith, but there’s a greater chance those indications will remain static. If I can’t see what’s happening, I can’t see when I let my focus lapse. I can’t see when I allow judgementalism, or self-doubt, or a false sense of superiority – all the work of the evil one – to interfere with my relationship with God, with the ways God calls me to live out my faith.

So for me, I need my statue to face inward. It might look more impressive to the world if it faces outward, but I am not called to impress the world, I am called to live and grow my faith, to nurture and strengthen my relationship with God – regardless of how that looks to the world.

listen

I have so many ideas floating through my mind, words searching for a way to be expressed. Things like imagination, coming home, imperfections, following – things you may see here in the future.

But today, it’s a friend’s comment about my willingness to listen to the nudges from the Holy Spirit that is at the forefront. As I sat with those words, I realized that I try my best to place that listening at the core of all I do. “Try” being the operative word here, because I know there are times that I definitely hear or feel the nudge and then choose not to act on it. But I am getting better. I am praying more, crocheting more, writing more, all prompted by those nudges. And I realized that taking the time to listen is part of all the other ideas floating around in my mind. So I decided to take that time now to listen to what the Spirit is telling me – about listening.

I write a faith study for my church, based on hymns and current Christian music, which is posted on our website, and recently I heard that this study spoke to someone over 1000 miles away and that he would like to use it for an adult Sunday School class he leads. The concept of the study itself and the 50+ songs I’ve worked on are all based on taking the time to listen. It’s the nudges from the Holy Spirit that got me started, that direct me to which songs to use, which Bible verses to reference, and what questions to ask. I know I couldn’t do this on my own.

The piece I’m currently working on is a perfect example. Looking through the hymnals for which song to work with, I was drawn to a hymn about personal healing. I attributed the pull I felt to the work God and I are doing on my personal healing. So I continued looking, and found one on social justice, which spoke to me, because social justice is an area I’ve been called to grow into. I decided to go with the social justice hymn because it felt like it had a wider appeal with everything going on in the world today, and started looking for Bible verses to connect to where the hymn seemed to be calling me. Two hours later, with no appropriate verses, I stopped. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to use this hymn. Maybe it was my personal feelings rather that the Holy Spirit that made me pick that hymn. I looked at the other hymn again and recognized the universality of the message of the song. So I started looking for Bible verses for that hymn, and within 3 hours I had all I needed and the beginnings of the questions for the various verses. Apparently, I had unintentionally dismissed a nudge. What a difference listening to the Holy Spirit made!

When I listen, things go more smoothly, I feel more motivated to continue the task, I’m less frustrated. Sometimes the listening even requires me to pause a task or call from the Holy Spirit to make sure I’m continuing on the correct path, or if another task needs to take precedence. Recently, I was working on a prayer shawl for a friend as she works through a long-term situation. But in the middle of that I got the nudge to make one for someone else as she prepared for a major change in her life that was about to take place. Part of me hesitated to put the one aside for the other, but I listened. I completed the intervening prayer shawl just in time, and then went back to the first one. Once I completed it, I sent it out. And that friend called me to tell me that the prayer shawl arrived at just the moment she needed it. I explained what had occurred with the other nudge, and my friend told me that if her prayer shawl had arrived a week prior, she would have loved it and used it just the same, but it might not have made such an impact on her. She explained that because I took the time to make the other prayer shawl in the middle, her prayer shawl arrived the day she heard some very hard news and needed that expression of God’s love even more.

I am so grateful to be a part of the work the Holy Spirit is doing. Whether it is writing words to help others see and accept God’s love and grace, or exploring a new social justice ministry, or sharing prayers and concern and care one stitch at a time, I am blessed when I take the time to listen on this journey called life.

to the amazing women

Healing can be such a lonely journey. Looking back, and inward, is an absolutely vital part of the process; but sometimes it leaves me feeling too vulnerable or emotional to connect with those around me. Or feeling like I’ve missed something so important that there is no way to make it up to that person.

But as I have journeyed, God has blessed me with so many amazing women who have loved me, supported me, forgiven me, and loved me again. Women who have held my hand as I took shaky steps, shown me my value when I believed I had none, shared their stories so I wouldn’t feel alone. Women who have allowed me to be vulnerable, who understood my fears, who cheer me on when I take brave steps to follow God’s call on my life.

To D: who saw me when I was too young to really know what I needed. You have loved me through my pain and shame, through my growing and my wandering, and my returning. You are as much a part of me, as I am. I would not, could not, be who I am without you.

To R: you were with me at a most amazing part of my life, a most pivotal moment in my faith journey. You were there for my first steps as a new creation, and the connection we share has only grown and deepened over the years. Because of your encouragement this blog exists. Our paths have come together at times of struggle, and your understanding and support have eased the burden. I know God arranged it so we could be there for each other, and I will be forever grateful.

To D: you shared your story in such a deeply personal way, you showed me that I could face my past and grow through it. You opened your door and listened to the first poems that God gave me to help with my healing. You have such a special place in my journey. I don’t know that I can ever thank you for your bravery.

To S: for the times we “solved the problems of the world”, for your unconditional acceptance, and for the showing me the importance of exploring and nurturing my artistic side. Your love and support mean the world to me.

To S: having you as a “work friend” (if work means any time, any day!) made my life easier, more enjoyable, simply better. Your wisdom about moms helped me through some of my hardest days. Your dedication to our work has made a difference in the lives of so many women, including me.

To J: we have shared so much, in so many places and so many ways. I am blessed by your love, your insight, your deep listening, and your beautiful heartfelt prayers. You have faced so many challenges, your dedication and spirit continue to inspire me.

To B: who saw me when I felt invisible and doubted that what I had to offer had value. You offered me your time and your friendship. You listened to my story, my confusion, and helped me believe in myself again, to trust God’s plan for my life. You have encouraged me to grow and explore my gifts, and supported my efforts in their various forms.

To E: we met just a short time ago, but I felt that connection that can only come from God. I believe that God brought us together for a reason. Your support, your acceptance, your understanding, are such a gift as my work to follow God’s call in a new and different way has coincided with this new stage of self-discovery and healing.

My prayer is that God will bless them as they have blessed me, and that in some way I have been a friend, a help, a cheerleader for them as they have been for me.

To each and every one of you, thank you for sharing yourselves with me. I love you.

God bless

I routinely sign off my emails with the words ‘God bless’ rather than ‘Sincerely’ or ‘Yours truly’. And the problem with this, I recently discovered, is the word routinely.

When I first started to do this, I struggled with nearly every single email I sent. Would the recipient understand my sentiment in using this phrase, or would it upset them? Or offend them? But a vast majority of the time, I decided that since my intent was not to upset or offend, and that I was using it with the best of intentions, how the recipient chose to interpret it was not for me to worry about. Unless of course they told me it bothered them and asked me stop, then of course I would respect that. (For the record, in the 5+ years I’ve doing this, I’ve never had that happen.)

Then, the other day, I realized that I was typing those words mindlessly when I closed my emails. And it hit me. What originally started out to be an actual blessing, had become just words. I was so disappointed with myself. How could I have let this reminder that I thought the recipient of the email was worthy of God’s attention become empty of meaning? Why had I allowed myself to become so removed from the situation that there was no blessing in my words?

And of course, that got me thinking. 1 Thessalonians 5:19a says “Do not stifle the Spirit.” (New Living Translation) Are there other ways I’m holding back the work of the Holy Spirit in me, and through me? Are there other empty words I’m using? Other opportunities I’m missing to be the conduit of God’s love that I want to be?

Those are a lot of big questions, that require an honest look at how I choose to live my life – the words I speak, my actions, even the things I think. It’s a puzzle I have to work out for myself – and for myself.

I hope to take you along on this journey. Because I realized that the words “I write a blog” had become empty too.

But for this moment, I have committed to actually stopping to pray for the recipients of my emails – no matter who they are. To picture them reading the words, to open my heart to them and to ask God to bless them – no matter where they are or what they are doing. I want to honor those precious words so that they actually mean something.

And though I don’t know everyone who might read these words, I am stopping to picture you now… I am opening my heart, God’s home within me, to you and asking God to bless you no matter where you are or what you are doing. I hope you can feel it, because I certainly can. I know that God will bless you, in whatever way and whatever time God knows is right for you.

God bless,

Coni

watercolors

Back on January 11th in “restrictions”, I wrote about not allowing how I perceive myself and my abilities to stop me from trying things. I said I was going to do something I’ve long wanted to try – watercolors. The idea has always been very intimidating because of my fear of failure. I thought if it wasn’t perfect, it was no good. But I offered my fears to God, and decided I was ready try.

I did some research online – since I was totally clueless about how to use watercolors. And today I was finally able to let go of my perfectionism enough to try. Surprisingly, it wasn’t stressful like I expected, I actually enjoyed it. I experimented with some of the techniques I learned about, and then started working with some ideas from “a tiny seed called Love”. My efforts are far from perfect, they are in fact very amateurish. And just as surprising, I’m ok with that.

Who knew that $2 could buy a sense of freedom? So, because I thought you might struggle with perfectionism, or a fear of failure, too, I’m sharing my efforts here today. I know I’ll never be a world-famous artist, but that’s not why I’m doing this. I’m working with watercolors because it’s helping me move out of my comfort zone, it’s helping me accept that I don’t have to be perfect. It’s simply a new way to to express myself, a new way to create. And what more can I ask for?

in the cards

In an effort to bring new learning opportunities to my 9 and 11-year-old grandchildren during this time of social distancing and distance learning, I taught them to play solitaire. The game they like is not one that can be explained, you have to learn by playing. At first, they were easily frustrated because they weren’t “winning” even after I shared that I’ve only won once in over 40 years of playing this game. But I explained that while the goal may be to end up with a single pile of cards, the purpose of the game is to strengthen observational skills and develop patience. Getting to just a few piles of cards is a bonus. (They think it’s hilarious though, that I managed to end up with 51 piles one game!)

But as I was playing the game myself, I realized that there are other lessons in the game…

    As much as I think I’ve seen all the places I can move a card, sometimes I miss one – or several – moves.

    When I have to decide between several possibilities for my next move, it often turns out I don’t make the best choice because I can’t see the next cards coming.

    You can’t go back and fix mistakes, but you can work to reduce the effects of your mistake – and try not to make the same mistake again.

    Even when I make all the right choices, the end result isn’t always what I hope for.

    It is just a game, and like many things in life, it’s important not to let it take on too much importance, whether I win or lose.

    Sometimes – even in solitaire – a little help is a good thing. Both the receiving and the giving.

So, no matter the outcome of the game I want to be open to the lessons and to learn from them. Because lessons don’t always come gift wrapped and labeled. Sometimes they are hidden in the cards.